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| Title and Layout how fitting.
Stress. Anxiety. Anger. Despair. Hope. Regret. and a list of other useless words. I feel lost, wondering how will I get where I'm going, which path should I take. I need someone to hold my hand and guide me there. Unfortunately I should already know how to do this myself, applications are coming up fast and with every day passing that I've intentionally try to put off doing them, comes back to destroy whatever is left of my future. I'm scared, what if my uncle is right that, maybe i shouldn't put all my eggs in the basket such as this. I hope, I really hope I make it in. This unsettling anxiety of hoping to have a place to go, a road to walk, a destination to be at is making me sick. Regret. I wish I had a counselor to tell me what courses to take, I wish I had gotten a degree already so I would have something I could be proud of. I wish I was cut out to be a doctor.
I'm currently standing on the shores of my destiny, will I ascertain them or be like every other straggling student that wishes to make it to the end but sadly falls short. Lately my stress has probably taken its full swing on you Hun. I'm happy you're so patient with me, help me by talking me through this. I haven't reciprocated as much like I should. Sometimes when we argue, I do feel like I'm the one holding you back. I'm the one taking you away from friends and family. I'm the one whose making your grades and future suffer. At the expense of it all, I'll always say that I love you, that's why I stay around. But what if you're right, if I truly love you and know I'm bad for you. Why don't I let you go and do the things that you were meant to do. When these questions start to question my heart, my heart wants to take a back seat to your questions and not beat. If it's true then I'll walk away like I've always had to do.
Though I try hardest to make up for all the hardships in your life, it always feels like it's not enough. Do I make you happy? The most important question that I wonder. My answer will always remain I Hope. Do I make even the slightest bit of your life better? I Hope. So many confusing feelings, I can't quite put my head on straight unless I just find something to do so I don't think. I do what I can do to make you happy. I do what I can do to make it through the day. This distance thing isn't easy on me too you know? and whether you have school or not I would still miss you. Grad School? I would still miss you. but if I would have to tread through i t, I would cause I wouldn't waiver from you for a second. Whether you were in Austin, Washington, or even China I would still be here missing you. That along with my family is the only given in my life, for everything else that I do not have answers to. I only remember one saying
Though I won't know what will happen in the future, it won't be a future worth having if i don't get to spend it with with you. | | |
| Love is patient, but please don't make me wait all night for you.
Love is kind, but please don't take advantage of my love for you.
Love does not envy, it does not boast. So please don't make me jealous and understand that our love means the world to me.
It is not proud, I'm proud of the person I love It is not rude, But Break my heart and I will be
It is not self-seeking, but i would still like the same amount of effort in return.
It is not easily angered, so don't intentionally push my buttons to get a kick out of me.
It keeps no record of wrongs, I just worry because I care
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth. Tell me honestly what is it you truly want?
Love always protects, always trusts, I promised to be there but where were you?
Love always hopes, always perseveres, So lets try and sit down and settle our fights instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Love bears all things, believes all things, so support me in my dreams just as I have supported you
Love hopes for all things and endures all things, But so don't treat me as if i was your doormat
Love never ends, but i won't be waiting here forever.
Love never fails, It just continues to grow.
And with love, I've learned these three simple things.
1. Love is never 1 way.
2. I did not learn to Love from god, but experienced love from the people around me.
3. And after loving people like that, I've learned to love myself first. Because understanding and loving me becomes the first step in order to share love with someone else
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| I'm tryin so hard... i really am. Everyday seems to be a battle to get up and fight the existence that i know as life. And as i sit here on the computer wondering why I've succumb to the cold once again. All i can think about is you hun. -.-
How everything always turns out worst for the best, as dumb as that sounds. By now both of us don't expect a very easy life. I know something stupid is around the corner ready to attack me and maul me near-death. It's life, it's god, it's buddha call it what you want, it's becoming so tiring always having to take care of everything. The plate never seems to be empty! I'm ready to fight back, I'm fucking tired of this being walking on feeling. I don't fucking take shit from no one anymore and not from some abstract idea called "LIFE"
"Why can't they just let me be happy?" is something i always ask myself as i'm staring towards the sky. Even though i don't believe anything religiously, i know someone has to be yanking my chain right? It really is driving me insane. I stand tall ( i know i have to ) if not for me, for everyone. I'm rambling and I know it but just let me do so for just a bit.
I'm sorry hun, I'm sorry for the way things always have to turn out. I'm sorry that we always have to think in "worst-case scenarios". I'm sorry that I can't be there for you. I know you're sick of me saying sorry as well, as am I when you do. But maybe I can justify this? -I'm sorry for the way life mistreats us, no i mean everyone- The only light at the end of my dark tunnel is you, you and my future is what I look forward to everytime i lay down and fall asleep every night. You make me happy, just that tiny little spark in this hell hole keeps me going everyday, and if I could just take away your pain right now hell I'd know i would die a happy man.
I think I found a solution. It's nothing self destructive of course, but rather an act of defiance. No matter what the card's I'm delt with? I'm gonna play my full house, my pocket aces, my flushes just cause I cause I know? Life can't stop me, and it should'nt stop you as well. I'm gonna sweep the table in this final turn on the pool table. You believe me hun? Just watch haha, fucking tired and I'm ready to stand up for what I'm made of and what I'm about. This weekend is going to be that stepping stone where I say Fuck it, let's make something of it. If it rains, fuck it. If i have a test? Hell I'm going to ace it. Tired of playing the losing hand with life, but it gave me something that I will always appreciate and well that something or rather that someone is you. So I'll be sure to be there always and always. Tired of being scared, rather be scared with you. Rather walk this path with you. Rather die fighting life with you.
I've always love this phrase and hell I hear it everywhere. But i'm gonna ride or die with you for the rest of my life.
I love you jenn, stay strong cause I'll be just as strong for you. -11/29/08-
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| Almost there I can feel it, that feeling when you're about to cross the finish line. Which is indeed the same feeling when you're threading your last movie in projections, when you finish your last math problem in calc, or when you get that paycheck after working 2 hard weeks and realize all that bitching you did? All that work you accomplished? So worth it haha
So just one more week till I see you. That brief moment of bliss when I do. I really would not know what to say or do, but I'm sure it will come naturally when the time comes. But the road there is not going be smooth for sure, I have a Nutrition exam this coming Monday as well as a Biology2 exam on Wednesday both really challenging yet interesting classes to me. In the end though school does come first and I can not blow these off and day dream about you too much. Haha i did not say I would not, just not too much. It has been a real hard five weeks so far, but it has made me such a stronger person, I really did not think i could go more then two weeks without seeing you. Anyways, I love you hun. I hope you get better, you don't have to rush it you know? Just take care of yourself Jenn
In reality though, I had to pick up hours as well to make up for the weekend I'm taking off, which is probably about 24 hours of work i believe. I'm not too worried about the workload but more perhaps how will it affect my studying. I work five to close on saturday and sunday which gives me an afternoon on saturday as well as and entire morning and afternoon on sunday to whip myself in shape as well as tweak my brain for the upcoming tests. Gotta get into test mode or else it feel as though I'm being overwhelmed. I've been keeping up with my studies though so I'm not entirely too worried, it is not how it used to be where I never looked over my notes until a week before tests. I probably always get like this over the first wave of tests. Not too sure what to expect from the class as well as how hard are the tests. Just gotta wait it out and see I suppose. Been really worried about theater as well as Sociology though, I don't really have notes to back what I have to do. Nor did I have a chance to get started on my theater book on a certain play. I have to do a critique within the next month on a play I am suppose to schedule myself to go see. It all seems really new to me but that's what college is all about. Stepping into the world blind and standing on your own.
Work hasn't been so bad, after about 2 months or so of working my tail off they may be offering me a promotion pretty soon. I'm very excited about this, his exact words were " I like the work you do around here " haha and I am at work quite a few hours during the week so I'll be around enough to be a leader when time comes. Maybe I could whip the newbies into shape so they would not be so lazy and leave unopened boxes of candy everywhere. Teach them how to really clean a movie theater. Hell I think I just want to boss them around since they are so lazy.
Good Day
-peter
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| so much work... i don't know how much longer i can take this. i know i need it, i know that with everything that has been going on i have to keep pushing. but i feel it, my body is breaking, my fingertips still bloody and tender, or even my rage slowly seeping deeper into my very being. i really wanted to get into a fight with a couple of the guests yesterday. that would be a great way to be terminated. on most nights i come home so exhausted, passed out in my bed, and unable to move my legs. the only light at the end of the night is hearing from you as well a soak in the warm tub haha. usually there is no dinner left for me, maybe something small in the fridge but usually its not something i would eat like duck or greasy pork my mom or my aunt made. the food at work disgusts me, i've probably haven't had a decent night's meal for some time now. it's dipped in so much oil and then fried. i make most of the food so you see i would know.. which does not change the fact that i have not tried it. on some nights i even wake up in the middle of the night wanting to go barf in the toilet. still unable to dream, i remember a little bit the other day, for some reason greg was in it =.= no it was not a sex dream hahaha. but i'm still not sleeping well. i miss my mom's cooking, i miss you hun, i miss being able to just only work doubles on friday and saturday then come home from work after a glass of wine from work and sleep lightly. i know i can't do that now. 55+ hours of work this week.. it'll be worth it i have to keep telling myself that
i'm not even sure if i'm ready for school, it's been just another given in my life i take care of and hardly take thought too (autopilot). bio2 is goin to be interesting least to say, but his notes are all online and printable. and i figure by the first day of school i'll have everything printed for first midterm and ready to ace this. nuitrition is just another easy online course i heard. i'm a little bit tense about taking sociology as well as theatre, those are two classes that eludes me completely. like psychology i might nearly fail sociology, but we'll see coming wednesday.
i really don't even feel like typing on this anymore as well, later.
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